Thursday, June 23, 2011

Geek Love: RPG Comes to Life

A geek relationship is a funny thing.  My husband and I have been together for over 20 years and married for slightly less.  At first, I think we were kind of obsessed with each other--it's a geek thing.  We emerged into adulthood together and started dating while attending college.

We tended to intellectualize a lot of relationship concepts.  Again, this is common with geeks.  We weren't particularly smart about what we wanted or expected from each other and ourselves initially.  While we discussed social politics from time to time, we didn't turn everything into some psychological exposition of motives and backstory, or create formulas to determine our compatibility.  If we had, we would have crashed and burned.  Finding our common goals is something that happened over time.

We were not drawn together and repelled in the cycle of dramatic upheavals that I often see in young relationships.  Co-geeks tend to converge their interests, rather than combat each other.  That's for the MMORPG, thanks.  Sure, there were a few times, at first, when we each dug in our heels as we tested the waters.  We'd both been in previous relationships where a certain amount of manipulation had been at play and were both armed with some sense of self-preservation.  Before long, we realized that it was pretty stupid to always be on the defensive.  We loved each other and we enjoyed each other.  It was just a matter of wants and needs--something our generation grew up being told were the same thing, but which were not.  Once clarified, we found that our needs were identical and our wants were compatible.

The fact that we both gravitate toward those things which are absurd or silly, means we have fun having fun.  We especially like having fun together.  We agree politically and spiritually on most things and would not begrudge the other a contrary opinion.

Today, our relationship is about keeping things steady and sure, not testing each other or checking boundaries.  After all, there are no saving throws.  Like a boss fight, we are "all in"; there is no other way.  The emotional connectedness isn't the only--or even the primary--thing going on.  It's about teamwork.  We can't always be in 100% agreement so there are compromises to be made.  We share a lot of likes but we also share very similar dislikes which means the compromises have been relatively small.  We protect each other from their own pet peeves wherever possible, rather than focusing exclusively on ourselves.  If we both want the very best for the other person, our own backs are covered in a very non-self-centered way.  The foremost priority is the relationship.

No comments:

Post a Comment